


Angels

by Deandeanmoose



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, long-term friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-20 01:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deandeanmoose/pseuds/Deandeanmoose
Summary: Warning this does include attempted suicide and mentions of rape, as well as suicidal thoughts and self harm.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning this does include attempted suicide and mentions of rape, as well as suicidal thoughts and self harm.

Katrina stood on the edge of the roof, looking down the five stories to the pavement. Her heart racing as the tears blurred her vision.  _ **Do it. Just do it. No one will miss you... No one cares. Your just a stupid whore, you knew what he was capable of and you let him do it... You let him use you.**  _She felt the night air heavy around her, swaying her to and fro as she belittled herself into jumping.

She missed the door opening and his feet running towards her, just barely catching his scream.

"Kat don't do it!"

"Why did you come Rafael? Why couldn't you just let me go without having to watch?"

"Kat stop. Let me help you." His eyes skimmed over her torn dress and seen the bruises covering her body.

"Help how?! The damage is done."

"I won't let him get away with this. Kat you know me, I'm not leaving until you stepped back and let me help you."

"You can't help what's already broken raf."

"Your not broken Kat... Just lost. You just need a little help to be brought back to yourself." He stepped closer and she tisked.

"Don't raf. It's not worth it."

"You are worth it." He then caught the most heartbreaking thing, she had small slashes on the inside of her thighs... Just like she use to do when she was younger.

"Seriously? How am I worth it?" She snorted, "I passed on the best thing to ever happen to me to marry a monster. I stopped talking to you because he was jealous. I find you ten years later as my work colleague and act like no time has passed.... We slept together behind  _his_ back and he drugged and raped me as revenge! I ruined everything when I picked him over you."

"Then stop picking him," he let out a shakey breath, "don't let him win... Fight him Katrina, show him you can't be pushed around."

"You don't understand raf, he...He..." She started crying hard enough to shake.

"I know he raped you. We can put him away for that... We can win the case."

"No it wasn't just him..." She paused and stretched her arms out to feel the wind more, "it wouldn't of been true revenge if it was just him."

Raf paused and swallowed hard, realizing what she meant, "Kat please, please step back."

"Why? So I can be humiliated? So I can be called a whore and have people see the video and hear him laugh at me? Besides.... It's feels beautiful up here." She stretched a foot out and raf moved up just a little before she put it back on ledge.

"You not this person, you help the people on the edge. You save the broken and help get them back to their whole selves...."

"So it's kinda poetic." She hummed through the tears, "that I choose to go like this, that my hero complex that I gave myself to be that perfect guardian angel to the broken souls.... That this angel would take a fall."

"Angels fly, they don't fall." He smiled softly as he spoke her words from years ago.

"Angels fall with broken wings." She moved her toes over the edge and smiled as the wind picked up, "who knows.... I might just fly away on that breeze."

" _Gatito_ (kitten)" he started but stopped as he seen her test the gravity by her toes.

Rafael rushed to grab her waist as she leaned forward, pulling her back just before her weight shifted off the ledge. He wrapped his arms around her as they fell against the concrete roof, her face in his chest from the tug he gave. She started crying more, her hands slamming against his chest as she screamed out.

"Why?! Why couldn't you let me fall?! Why can't I end this pain! This suffering!" She cried out into his chest as he squeezed her, letting her fist bruise his skin.

"Gatito, I _promise_ you'll be ok.... Let me save you." He whispered into her hair as she stopped struggling.

He slowly closed his eyes, softly kissing her hair as he rubbed her back. The night sky beautifully lit up, the stars glowing brightly without a cloud in sight....  _ **Of course she would pick a night like this to see if she can fly, a night so beautiful it would weep at her lost... Like I would.** _ his hand skimmed her thighs to feel the small slashes marks, to wipe the little blood away.  _ **She cut herself... She actually cut herself. She hasn't done that in 24 years.**_

He wiped her tears as she looked at him, a begging look for him to fix her. To take back all those years she spent with the wrong man and the pain he caused. Oh how he wished he could, but all he could do for now was hold her until they found the strength to move. To move from that spot and start the long process of justice that would be more torture then watching her on that ledge, but it was the right way. It was his chance to prove how much he loved her, to say he wished he would've objected to the marriage and saved her from having been married to the monster. He would give anything to stop that moment, to go back and stop the wedding and walk her out away from him stealing that kiss he wanted so bad.

He wanted to save her from everything, because that's always what you want when you love someone.....


	2. Hospital and disclosure

_**It's freezing cold... It wasn't this cold when I was on the roof.**_ Kat thought as Rafael opened her door and pulled her out. He shouldered most her weight as he helped her in to the hospital, bruised, bloody, and slightly numb. He kept a firm grip until a few nurses brought over a bed and took her back, stopping him before the door. She reached up as she seen his eyes slowly fade from view behind the door,  _ **i know he can't be here with me but damnit, I don't want him to go.**_

She sighed as they pushed her back into a room and went to work stitching and wrapping wounds. It felt like hours, but was only 30 minutes later when the SANE nurse came in and started the rape kit. Suddenly she understood why victims always complained about this part, it felt like more of a violation then the actual rape. She just listened and did as she was told, hoping this will be done soon and Rafael would be in her room waiting for her... Because she definitely needed him right now. She didn't want to leave his side until the whole case was over, he was the only one that could protect her from the monster.

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

The nurse stopped him at the door and shook her head, "you can't go back."

He sighed as she lead him to the counter and handed him the clipboard, "can you answer what you can of these questions, and if we need to notify a next of kin..."

"No." He almost shouted, "uh no, no next of kin notification. I'm right here."

The nurse nodded nodded and pointed to the waiting area as he walked over slowly, he was waiting for the inevitable. He had to call Liv on the way over, no doubt the whole squad would be arriving at any moment to work a case of their friend and co-worker. He filled out everything on the paper, every little medical detail about her like it was himself.  _ **After all this time, I still know everything about you Kat.**_

He handed the nurse the clipboard and sat back down, his mind drifting back to before Kat met her husband... Back when he had the biggest crush on his best friend and roommate.

** Flash back **

Rafael sat on the couch with a small bowl of popcorn and a scotch that a Harvard friend gave him as a birthday gift a few months back. He had the worst day at school and just wanted to forget about it and watch a movie. Now said movie choices were limited at the time and it was one of his mami's favorites, so he put in West side story. He only made it in a little ways before Kat walked in.

"What you doin Rafi?"

"Watching a movie." He paused it and looked over at her as she laughed at the screen.

"Tell me you are not watching West side story."

He gave a quizzical look as she burst into laughter, "what's so funny?"

"Does it make you think of home or something? Do you miss your Maria back in the upper west side Tony?"

"I grew up in the Bronx, not the upper west side." He bit his lip and glared at her, "and you know I don't have anyone waiting for me back home."

"Not true, you have your Mami and abuelita." She smirked.

"What the hell do you want Kat?" He sighed took a hefty swig.

"For starters, I want a glass and you to make room on my couch. I love west side story." She slapped his leg before grabbing a glass.

She sat down beside him and he poured her a glass, sitting back as she tucked into his side and tugged the comforter over their bodies for warmth. He smiled softly as he thought about how she always makes him smile when he's angry or depressed. Then she grabbed some popcorn and gave him a look.

"Besides you know the rules." She nudged his arm over her shoulder, "Kat is when I'm angry or out in public, I'm just a kitten when I'm in the apartment."

He chuckled and lifted the remote to press play before she Interrupted, "tell me it hasn't made it to 'i feel pretty' yet."

"Not yet," he smiled as he hit the play button, "that's the next scene  _Gatito._ "

**Present**

Looking back now it was obvious she liked him too but niether of them were willing to take the first step..... Even after she moved with him to New York when he graduated. They got a apartment together and she finally graduated from her psych and law program, took on the New York police academy and somehow was the top of her class. Even now... She was a Sargent at Manhattan SVU and refusing to take a lieutenant test because she didn't want to leave the squad. Katrina Axon was something else, she was absolutely something remarkable. 

He held back a tear as the text he read only hours ago flashed through his mind. Her suicide note that he thankfully stopped, the way she clung to him in the car as he drove her here.  _ **Thats not Kat. That isn't the woman you spent so long with as your best friend... That is still your best friend.**_

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

Kat laid in bed, Wondering why she wasn't restrained. She was a suicide risk, she was going to jump before raf pulled her back. Then the thought hit her,  _ **He didn't mention the suicide attempt. He always was looking out for me...  My knight in a suit.**_ She smiled and thought about that for a moment, thinking back to one night impaeticaler that raf was sweet to her when she was needing it.

**Flashback**

It was during her finals, she was stressing out and struggling to sleep as it was. She was on her bed tucked in as raf sat at his desk, the stupid fucking desk she bought him from the thrift store after listening to him complain at legnth about the 'desk' he had. His desk was their kitchen table, which was actually just a oversized end table. So she bought the little desk with a built in lamp that raf insisted on putting beside his bed. What she failed to realize was how bright the damn light was.

She was frustrated and threw the pillow nailing his head. He jumped and rubbed his neck as he yawned.

"What the hell Kat?"

Now she really was pissed, "you were not fucking sleeping."

"It's three AM, of course I was." He turned and looked at her.

She threw her other pillow and got his face, he growled, "what the hell Kat?!"

"I have my finals tomorrow and can't sleep because of your damn light and your over their sleeping at your desk!"

He rolled his eyes, "sorry, let me turn it off."

She grumbled and rolled over, "it's bad enough I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor because of you, the least you can do is let me sleep."

"Would you like to take my bed for the night Kat?"

"No just let me sleep." 

She sighed and pulled the blankets over her tighter. Her mattress was on the floor because the week before her and raf had a water gun fight inside, and by water gun fight she meant she surprised him while we was studying with a water gun soaking his shirt and face in 90° weather. He chased her into the bed room and tackled her on her old rickety bed that sounded like it was dying when she laid on it. Of course their combined weight put the bed out of it's misery and he apologized like crazy. It was a fun time but she regretted it more with every night she slept on the floor.

"Kat take my bed."

"No. Go away." She grumbled as he walked over to her.

He picked her up as she yelped and hit him screaming to be put down. He tossed her on his bed by the wall and fell face first beside her, pulling the covers over them. He left his arm on her back and smiled as she rolled to a more comfortable position, leaving his hand on her.

"Thank you," she whispered, "nighty night raf."

"sueño ajustado, gatito (sleep tight, kitten)," he whispered back.

**Present**

Kat smiled at the memory,  _ **God I picked the wrong man... Why didn't I even try to see if raf liked me?**_ she shifted and felt a tug at her side, she ran her hand over her side and winced like crazy.  _ **Guess I found one of the bruises...  Why isn't the adrenaline still in my system so I don't feel the pain.**_  

A knock pulled her from her thoughts, "Mrs. Axon, you have visitors."

She looked at the door as the squad filed in. Liv stepped in with a shy smile, Amanda right behind with a bouquet of flowers. Carisi biting a lip at the sight of his favorite partner bruised and bloody. Fin sat down a few balloons by the bouquet Amanda brought in.

"Hey Sarg, didn't anyone tell you not to become your work."

Her lips tugged up,  _ **thank god fin can still make a joke.... I thought this would be hard to work on.**_

Then she seen raf, he walked in last and stayed towards the back. _**He obviously didn't say much but that I was raped.**_ she sighed and looked to liv.

"Are you here for the disclosure?"

"No, we're here to make sure your ok. I can handle the disclosure a little later." Liv smiled half-heartedly.

"Should we call your husba..." Amanda started but was cut off by Kat quickly, "no. Don't call Neil."

Everyone looked confused except raf, luckily Liv moved the conversation away. They made small talk and tried to move away from the elephant in the room... The rape. After a little bit everyone was leaving except Liv, it was time for the disclosure. Kat watched raf at the door about to step out when she spoke.

"Raf, please stay."

He looked at Liv and sighed, "is it ok?"

She nodded as he shut the door and walked back over. Stopping beside her  side and tucking his hands in his pockets as he looked down at her. 

"Kat, what happened?" Liv stood at he other side as the Sargent looked at her hands.

"I don't remember exactly but.... The video is on my phone. The whole thing." She sighed, "the last thing I remember before the rape was waking up to this shitty tea and ego waffles. Me and Neil had been fighting the night before and he said he wanted to make it up to me. Then it's blank until I woke up after the assault."

"You're doing great Kat, just tell me anything you can remember?"

"I woke up in a apartment, empty except a mattress on the floor. I felt numb and moved slightly to feel a stab in my side. That's when I found the bruises and cuts. I got up and found my phone off to the side as I examined the torn dress that I don't ever remember buying, a link was open on my phone and I watched the video. the whole thing." Her body shook a little as dropped his head to hide his watering eyes, "I wrote a suicide note and sent it to raf, then I went to jump off the building."

"Kat..."

"Save it Liv. I was just raped by I don't know how many people and drugged, not to mention the whole fucking thing was video taped.... Spare me the victim talk."

Liv nodded, "keep going."

"I was on the ledge when raf found me and tried to talk me down. He pulled me back right when my feet slipped and calmed me down enough to get me here." Kat finally looked up.

"Is there anything else I should know?" Liv took a deep breath when she caught Kat looking at raf.

Raf ran a hand through his hair and tipped his head back to look at the ceiling. Kat tugged his hand from his pocket and made him look as a tear escaped down his cheek. She upped her head towards Liv and raf nodded.

"One thing," he sighed, "me and Kat have been seeing each other."

Liv's eye went wide, "should've seen that one coming," she huffed, "how long?"

"A few times. Several nights spent over with no intimacy." Raf was trying so hard not to break Infront of Kat, "I've been helping her the past couple months. Trying to work out a exit plan."

"Neil was always verbally abusive but he crossed the line. Raf was my confident." Kat looked at Liv, "he must've found out and drugged me."

Liv shook her head, "you know I have to include that... That you'll be taken off the case and can not prosecute this case."

Raf nodded, "I'll talk to the DA today."

"And you," Liv looked at Kat, "just focus on getting better. We'll have to check to footage and work this case but... With a little hope we can figure this out."

"Liv." She looked at Liv, "I can't go near that monster. I need a close job when they release me."

She nodded, "we got you Kat. When your released we will go with you to move you out."

"Until then I'm not leaving your side," raf gave a half smile, "and my place is yours until we get through this."

"Just like old times," Kat chuckled and winced.

Liv pulled raf to the side as a nurse came in, "we really need to talk later."

He nodded as Liv walked out, the realization that everything is changing hitting him hard. Once the nurse left Kat looked at him, obviously feeling it too. Twenty five years later, they finally get a chance together... If they can make it through the trial.


	3. Like old times

After a a few hours, Kat was released from the hospital and as promised... Raf took her home. He walked her into his apartment and called Liv for the update. She walked to his couch and dropped down as she curled in, after everything in the past 30 hours... She needed to cry without being on the ledge of a building. Raf looked at her shaking form and bit back a tear, he hated watching her cry since the first week they lived together. Of course back then she was crying because she was stood up and raf was telling her he wasn't worth it... Then he seen it. The cut marks. That was the night that they truelly became friends over roommates.

**Flash back**

raf and Kat had been living together a week, he had figured out her routine fairly quickly and seemed fine with it. She had seemed so bubbly about a date that Saturday, so when raf got home at eight after a short evening with friends, he saw a broken Kat. He sat down beside her on the couch to comfort the girl he barely knew.

"Hey, take it he didn't show." He rubbed her back.

"No he did... Then said I wasn't to his Standers and dismissed me."

"What a jerk."

She scuffed, "fuckin wanna-be lawyers. I hate dating at Harvard."

"Not all lawyers are bad." He got a look from that.

"Yeah sorry... You don't seem so bad. But then again I've know you a week and gave you a place to live. You could be a serial killer and I wouldn't know." She pushed away from him to fall into the corner with her feet pushing him away, "I don't need your pity."

'Its not pity Kat," his eyes fell to her clothed form, seeing a sight her noticed to well, "what did you do."

"Excuse me?" She huffed.

"Your thighs... They're cut."

She sat up and pulled her thighs tight together, "that's none of your business."

"Did you...?" 

She stood and walked towards the bedroom of the the three roomed apartment, raf suddenly having a urge to help in a different way then before. He followed and shut the door behind them as she turned around.

"Seriously? Dude forget it. So I cut myself, don't worry. No one else does."

"Why would you do that?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"I wasn't a popular girl at school. I lost my parents when I was three and my grandparents were very very old school.i was picked on relentlessly and beaten like a fucking voodoo doll. I had no friends really and I...I... I found relief were I could."

"So you cut yourself? Do you have a death wish?"

"Don't be stupid... Cutting isn't always trying to kill yourself."

"Could've fooled me." Raf stopped in front of her as she shook her head.

"You know what Mister know it all, it's a release not suicide attempt. Have you ever felt so much pain that you wonder why your body is fine while your mind is broken? When I cut it is to feel a logical pain, a physical pain for the pain inside I can't place. To make sense of the feelings that my body can't control. It's not to kill myself... It's to center myself. To let my brain feel a real pain and process the feeling." Kat shoved his chest, "if you were paying so close attention you would see I don't even cut in a logical spot for killing myself."

"Like you can't bleed out from your thighs?"

"They are shallow cuts to barely break all skin layers on my inner thigh, Closer to the bikini line...." She looks away, "no one sees it and the bleeding stops quickly from the slightest pressure I apply when I even bleed enough for it to be more then a simple paper cut in a odd place." 

He stopped,  _ **She actually put thought into this? She really logically laid this out... She is well practiced too.**_ His breath caught before he forced himself to change views, he put a hand on her shoulder.

"Kat... It isn't healthy."

"Do I seem like a healthy person?" She turned around and wiped a tear, "if this is a issue, then go. I can find a new roommate."

"Kat let me finish," he ran a hand over his face, "what if I help you?"

"I thought you were law, my apologies doctor."

"Just listen, let me help you stop this bad habit. Believe it or not, you are one of the best roommates I had and I want to see you around for a while."

She wiped her tears, "how can you help?"

"I'll always listen. You need help and I'll be there. Trying talking before you do anything like this, I promise it'll work if you try." He watched as Kat tackled him in a hug.

"Your still a jerk lawyer... How do I know you aren't lying?"

"Because I swore once before to be a good hearted lawyer... If just one person can see I'm different from the money hungry ones in my class and in the world, I think I win."

She nodded, "don't fucking break a promise... Pinkie promise it."

She held up her pinkie and he chuckled, "like a pinkie promise is more serious then swearing on a Bible?"

"If you break a pinkie promise you are a monster. Seriously, that is the highest form of trust."

He tugs her pinkie, "I pinkie promise to be your shoulder to cry on if you promise not to cut."

"Deal."

**Present**

Rafael sighed and sat at her feet on the couch, "how you doin kat?"

"Shitty."

"You cut yourself."

"Of course you noticed... Are you gonna stop being my friend because of it." She said in a monotone voice.

"Never. Your stuck with me Kitty Kat." He moved her leg to the side as the other dropped off the couch, he laid down with his head on her upper abdomen.

"Please don't sing it." She spoke through the tears

"I'm gonna sing it."

"God no..."

"Hush little kitty kat, don't say a word. Rafi gonna buy you a mocking bird."

"Please stop." She bit her lip as he looked at her and rubbed her belly softly.

"And if that mocking bird taste bad, Rafi will buy you a brand new toy."

"God your not gonna stop." She was trying to hold in a laugh.

"And if you break that toy, gatito I will buy you Chinese and scotch."

She giggled and he reached up to wipe your tears, "start with the food and scotch."

"I don't know how quick I can find the mocking bird but..."

She laughed and looked at him, "just like old times, eh Rafi?"

"Yeah, except this time..." He leaned up, "it'll end with a kiss so I'll never have to see you go again."

She blushed as he kissed her, only breaking it when his phone rang. She nodded and he answered quickly.

"Barba."

"Hey Barba, fin and carisi are on their way over to do the close job. They are stopping at your place so please be ready." Liv spoke.

"It's not like we're doing anything inappropriate liv," his smile dropped a little, "do we have anything yet?"

"Later, right now focus on Kat. And don't forget to talk to the DA."

"Of course." 

She hung up and raf dropped the phone on the coffee table, "fin and carisi are on their way for the close job. You ready to go back?"

"If you promise to stay with me. I mean if Neil is their then I can't promise it'll go well without backup." Kat took his hand, "but I won't cave. I'm picking you this time raf."

He kissed her before helping her up, "borrow some of my clothes if you need to, but you might want to cover up some."

"Thanks raf."

She hugged him for a second before walking to his bedroom. He sat back down and ran both hands through his hair to rest on his neck.  _ **It's ok... Everything will be ok. He won't win this time.**_

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

Kat walked to raf's bedroom and sighed. The hospital clothes she got where alittle small so raf had gave her his jack to cover up some. She skimmed his closet, still laughing at the fact he has mostly suits, before grabbing a pair of sweats and looking through his shirts. Grabbing a white tee, she tucked it into the sweats due to the size before grabbing a flannel hanging towards the back. She rolled the sleeves and pulled the front tight around before sniffing the collar, it smelled like him.

Kat frowned in the mirror when she looked, her hair was a ratted mess. There was no getting out those knots. But then she felt a tingle, her body wanting to breakdown again.  _ **who is that? That can't be me... I've really let Neil run my whole life? I hate long hair, it always tangles... And here it is. Oh poor girl, that bruise.**_ She brushed a bruise on her jaw, wincing.  _ **it doesn't even feel like my skin.**_ Her hands shook and she held back the urge to punch the mirror, settling on going to the bathroom instead of raf's closet mirror.

Her mind was racing, suddenly she understood why Brittany Spears had that melt down and shaved her head.  _ **Don't shave your head, that is way to far.**_ Suddenly she remembered something Liv told her once, about her ordeal with Lewis. Kat locked the door and took a deep breath,  _ **it's better then cutting.**_

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

It has been almost twenty minutes since Kat went to his room, he was getting concerned. Rafael stood and walked back, noticing the bathroom door was shut. He tried the nob and found it locked, red flags raised in his head immediately. 

"Kat? You in there?"

"I'm fine, go away."

"Kat open the door."

"Not right now."

"Gatito, please... Let me help." He bit his lip, "don't do it."

The door clicked and raf opened to a different sight. The once long haired blonde in messy knots was now short and choppy. It stopped right about her chin, poorly done but almost like she use to have it. He never understood why she let it grow out, but now it's almost back to normal. He looked at the hair littering the floor and back up.

"You couldn't of waited a little longer?" He smirked.

"No. I can hide it for the moment but..."

"We'll stop at salon after we get done with the close job." He chuckled, "God you look so much better."

She gave a small smile and ran her fingers through her hair, "at least I look like me now."

He started to open his mouth to question her statement when a knock drew his attention to the door, "fin and carisi... I'll get that. You just get a hat or something."

She nodded as he went to the door. He opened it and motioned them in as he called for her.

"Kat, you ready?"

"Yeah, one second." Kat walked out wearing a beanie she had left here a few nights ago, "just need shoes."

"How you doin Sarge?" Fin asked and they watched her body tense.

"I'm fine. I'm good." She stood up and walked past them, "lets get me a bag or so of my things and be done with today."

 "After you." Fin followed her out.

Carisi stopped Rafael by the door, "hey councilor, is everything ok with Kat?"

"Why are you asking me?" He looked confused,  ** _Liv wouldn't have told everyone right away, would she?_**

"Well you two are close, old friends and all...and you are letting her stay with you. I figured asking her would do what just happened." He started walking.

"She seems good. She's a strong woman, she'll ask for help when she needs it." 

Raf hoped carisi couldn't see his hesitation in that statement, nor tell he was almost positively lying. They all left for her apartment, raf feeling just as out of it as Kat.  _ **Is she ok? I'm not really sure. I've seen her when she was cutting, when she was self destructive, and when she was suicidal. Could she be pink clouding? No not kat, Kat would ask for my help before that.**_

The ride seemed so much longer then it was, the idle chat being carefully worded around Kat and it was clear that she didn't seem to care. She told raf back at the hospital that she figured they would talk to her like a victim and that she would deal with it, but raf couldn't. He had to talk to her not victim her. They had pulled up to the building and parked, letting Kat lead. She opened the door and went to their apartment, her hand shaking a little before opening it. The place was ransacked.

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

_**What the hell... What...**_ Kat froze and felt a set of hands pull her to the side as fin and carisi did a quick search of the apartment. Giving a all clear she stepped in with raf right behind her. Her heart dropping at the broken photos on the walls, the furniture torn, books ripped apart, things broke and torn on the floor all over. She was shutting down.

"Should we call for a unit? Does anything look like it's missing Sarge?" Carisi asked.

"The door was locked and the windows are intact, no visible entry for a break in..." Fin was cut off by Kat.

"It wasn't a break in. He did it." Her hands ran through her hair as she bit her lip, "the bastard went the extra mile... Destroyed my whole life in twenty-four hours."

Her eyes were tearing up and her leg went weak, a slight shake signaling raf to grab her before she slammed down on the broken glass by her feet. He hugged her in close, shushing her as her body shook. Shock took over, Kat wasn't really in her body right now.  _ **He did it... He destroyed my life. He raped me, beat me, broke everything we owned... Everything. Everything.**_ She didn't hear any of the men trying to talk to her, not a word until a real panic hit her.

"Where's riff?" Her eyes went wide as she shouted, "riff! Riff! Riffy boy!" She let out a whistle as they looked at her like she was crazy.

"Who?" Fin asked as carisi tried to stop her from running.

Raf pushed carisi's hand away so she could run to the other room looking for the dog, "riff is her puppy."

The two men looked kinda confused, they never knew she had a dog. They found her holding a dog leash that was cut and tattered. Carisi called for a unit and fin went to check with neighbors. Raf helped her dig through and find anything that wasn't torn of her clothes, a few of the knick-knacks that weren't destroyed. A couple books that weren't to bad, the photos that were in one piece or riped to separate them in the pictures. They had a few things and after raf  promised Kat they would find riff, she left with him in a cab. He drove her to the salon and gave her some cash since they both doubted that she could use any of her cards if Neil had went that far at the apartment. He left to see the DA, leaving her to fix her bad hair cut.

Kat pulled off the hat and the flannel, sitting them aside as she was lead to a chair.

"What Happened to your hair honey?"

"Long story," Kat sighed, "can ya help it?"

"I can try. But I hope you like short... Cause it'll be short." She looked at the hair and shook her head.

"Actually, I had something in mind. It's been a while since it was that short but, it's time for a change." Kat smiled.

"Break up honey? Every girl needs to experiment with her hair after a break up."

"Something like that." Kat sighed, "now let's fix it."

The woman smiled and went to work as Kat gave the description of what she wanted her hair to look like.  _ **Hope raf likes it... He always said I looked better with shorter hair.**_


	4. Promise me

Kat took a cab to raf's place, her body shaking just a little as she approached the door. With everything happening so quick, her mind was going numb. She has barely had time to process things without her own self-hatred detailing her recovery. She tried the door, still locked from before.  _ **Why do I still not have a key to his apartment? Maybe ... Just maybe...**_ she bent down and reached under the bottom of the door and smiled, pulling out a key.

"God I love you rafael... Still using my old technique I see."

She unlocked the door and walked in, dropping on his couch and falling asleep... Her mind giving her dreams of the past.

_** Flashback ** _

"so here is your key," Kat handed raf a key, "I have one and there is a spare Incase you lose your while your out."

"Where's the spare?" He looked at the short haired blonde closely.

"In the door."

"How is that safe? What's the point of locking it if...."

"Not like that silly." She rolled her eyes, "god I thought you said you were law, law means you should have a brain."

"Where is the key then?" Raf brushed off the insult.

"Bend down."

"What?" He glared.

"Go beside the door and bend down." She motioned, "trust me ok."

Raf walked to the door and bent down.

"Run your fingers under the bottom ledge of the door."

He did as told.

"You'll feel a small dip, millimeter difference."

He felt it and gave a puzzled look.

"There's the spare. A small whole in the bottom of the door just big enough to hold the key. Just in case and most people won't look there." She smirked.

"That's actually clever." Raf smirked as she glared.

"You just moved in boy, don't fuck it up now." She rolled her eyes and continued with a few minor details with the apartment.

* * *

**Rafael(present)**

* * *

Rafael was walking into the office of the ADA on Kat's case. He stopped by the desk of his assistant that motioned him in. He walked in slowly and met the man as he stood up to shake his hand.

"Cutter, been a while."

"Didn't you just get off suspension two weeks ago Barba? What do you want anyways? I didn't call for you." Cutter sat down as raf sighed.

"I'm here about the sargent Axon case...."

"I know you work with the sargent, but the DA insisted I take this case. He didn't want it passed to just another ADA." He sat down and motioned him to sit too, "so hopefully this won't happen often."

"Well, it will. The DA said for me to work with you on this case. Said I couldn't prosecute it on my own but he wanted me on it, as co-council." Raf cleared his throat, "sorry."

Cutter sighed, "how did I know this would happen." 

"I know your suppose to watch over all the ADAs, that you have personally.... Critiqued my... Past antics harshly in public manner." Raf took a breath, "my suspension based from you and the DA aside, I want to win this case."

"Fine, co-council it is." Cutter took out the file, "anything I should know that isn't in the file?"

"One thing." Raf leaned forward, "I am.... Involved with Sargent Axon."

Cutter stopped and looked up, "you can't be on this case. The D...."

"Assigned me as co-council because of it. Said he couldn't leave me to handle it myself."

"I thought Sargent Axon was married?"

"She is... For the moment." Raf shook his head softly, "abusive husband. We were old friends and she came to me for help in getting her out."

"And you two had sex instead?" 

"No.... That was more recent." Raf locked eyes, "did you read the statements or anything in the file?"

Cutter leaned back, "Sargent Axon was drugged with scopolamine or 'devils breath' and raped by four men excluding her husband. The apartment was ransacked and her dog is missing. No word from the husband that video taped all of it before joining in."

"The tox-screen shows the drug?" Raf held his breath.

"No, but it shows alcohol. The second tox-screen should be in soon for a natural drug base. It would show if any residual were present when she was in the hospital." He looked at Rafael, "can you do this without damaging the case."

"I won't let the bastard get away with it." Raf almost spat before softening, "are we good?"

"Good." Cutter shook his hand, "I understand she is staying with you."

"And?" Raf stopped by the door.

"Don't lose sight of your job here... Keep the emotions in check."

Raf nodded and left, a stop by his office to make sure his current cases were in line before running back to his place. He felt like hugging Kat and telling her everything was ok.... Truth or not, everything was ok.

* * *

**Fin and Carisi**

* * *

After hours of looking, carisi found a lead on Riff. Him and fin were walking into a vet where a dog was brought in injured. The dog matched the description of riff and was missing a chunk of his ear where the id chip was. So as they walked in, they prayed for the best.

"Excuse me, detective carisi and this is detective tutuola. We received a call about a dog matching a description we had out." Carisi watched the girl frown.

"Yes, uh... Let me get doctor Lee." She ran in the back and walked out with a woman that looked just as sad.

"Detectives, I believe we have the dog you were looking for but.... You're a little late."

"A little late?" Fin asked.

"The id chip in the ear is where the ear is ripped... But there is more that wasn't mentioned before. He had several small  fractures to the legs and tail as if continued abuse, bruising around his stomach.... His one eye had been glossy and he was in too much pain. We had to put him down. I couldn't let him suffer like that." She sighed, "please tell me your here to find the bastard that did it."

"We already have a suspect, but..." Carisi lost his voice at the thought of telling his Sargent that her dog was put down to be relieved of pain.

"Can we see the dog? To verify before We notify the owner." Fin finished and looked at carisi that looked sick.

"I understand. The owner, is that the suspect?"

"No. The husband is, not the wife... And the wife took care of him. You said it was prolonged abuse?" Fin looked at the dog on the table and suddenly got the same feeling carisi had.

"At least a month. It was small little things you wouldn't notice until the dog actually whined about it. Sadly, it would be a easy miss."

"Ok thank you for your help." Carisi spoke and walked out with fin, "who wants to call Barba?"

"Why barba?" Fin asked.

"Do you really want to tell the sarg? She'll be devistated." Carisi sighed, "at least we have another charge against this asshole."

"Yeah, but we still have to find him."

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

After everything that happened, Kat just wanted to lay down and sleep. She dropped into raf's bed in only one of his shirts because she still wanted his scent close. The blankets pulled up tight against her, she wanted sleep but it eluded her. Instead she whimpered and held the pillow to her face, hoping for some form of unconsciousness so she wouldn't have to feel. Everything was working against her... She didn't want to think about Neil, or court, or anything right now... She just wanted raf. Needed raf. Her mind fighting to remember only a few nights ago when they were both happy and laughing.

**Flashback**

Kat sat on raf's couch, laughing as he almost dropped his glass of scotch after insisting he could carry both glasses and the popcorn. He chuckled and sat everything down before kissing her.

"I'd ask you to hold your tongue but... I know you can't." He smirked and kissed her cheek, "can we just watch the movie?"

"Can you turn it on without dropping it?"

He bit back a smile and hit play, the two cuddling in on the couch to watch 'the graduate'. He rolled his eyes at her movie choice.

"Hey no!" She slapped his shoulder, "don't roll your eyes at the graduate, it is one of the greatest movies ever."

"Oh sorry, I just didn't expect my best friend to pick a movie with a sex scene." He raised a brow.

"Well I could've picked worse. Ever watched 'a free ride'?"

He gave a confused looked, "what?"

"1915. Silent movie." She laughed, "just watch the graduate and be happy."

"Or we could skip the foreplay." He smirked and kissed her again, "but I promise I'm not a virgin."

She burst out laughing and took his face in her hands as he leaned her back on the couch, "oh raf... I picked the wrong man. So few times we've done this, we really missed out."

"Then let's stop waisting time, it's been... What twenty-four hours since our first time?"

"Should've been fourteen years." 

He pushed the hair out of her face, "Kat, I regret not stopping you. Every day I woke up since that night before the wedding when you told me you weren't sure. When you said you loved me and need me to say it back or you had to marry the other man you loved, thought you loved... And I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it because I was scared that it would ruin your life."

She sniffled, "shut up and kiss me before I cry."

He kissed her and moved her up the couch just a little, "I love you Kat, I always did."

**Present**

Kat threw back the covers and just cried in a ball. She felt so broken... all she could think about was her time with raf. Every kiss, hug, late night work sessions, studying till three am.... Every prank she got him with and every time he tickled her to make her smile. Hundreds of times they just laid out together watching the night sky and talked about the universe. That's what she wanted, she wanted those memories not raf playing her hero and saving her from neil. She wanted her life back. 

* * *

**Raf**

* * *

Rafael walked into the bedroom, sighing as he seen Kat balled up crying. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her close.

"Shhhhhhhhh, I got you. Your ok gatito." He hummed softly rocking her.

He let her arms wrap around him, squeezing him closer to her. His precious friend, his Kitty Kat... The woman that he spent the last four years working beside. She was broken more then ever, before Neil raped her when all he did was hit her and she spent hours trying to hide the bruises. He knew she was broken then, the way she always hummed that stupid song 'a broken wing'. She hummed it as she showered at his place, when she thought he wasn't near as she sat alone on his couch waiting for him to return from his kitchen trip.... Or when she was trying not to cry. He couldn't help it, he opened the music app on his phone and found the song, letting it play in the hopes she would stop crying.

> _She loved him like he was_  
>  _The last man on Earth_  
>  _Gave him everything she ever had_  
>  _He'd break her spirit down_  
>  _Then come lovin' up on her_  
>  _Give a little then take it back_
> 
> _She'd tell him 'bout her dreams_  
>  _He'd just shoot 'em down_  
>  _Lord he loved to make her cry_  
>  _You're crazy for believin'_  
>  _You'll ever leave the ground_  
>  _He said only angels know how to fly_

Kat started singing it. Raf rocked her, listening to her sing softly. Until her voice dropped and lips quivered, the same part as always.

> _One Sunday morning_  
>  _She didn't go to church_  
>  _He wondered why she didn't leave_  
>  _He went up to the bedroom_  
>  _Found a note by the window_  
>  _With the curtains blowin' in the breeze_

"hey raf?"

"Yeah gatito?" He kissed her forehead.

"They mean she committed suicide right there... Right? The note, open window... She jumped." She sounded so monotone.

"Kat, your scaring me here. I pulled you off the ledge once, please don't make me do it again."

"Like I could even try with everyone walking on eggshells around me.... Constantly watching me.... Your the only one giving me space, and it's still not much."

"Because you were gonna jump off your building, Kat I'm not losing you after I finally got you back." He lifted her head till her eyes met his, "I can't lose you."

"But I'm broken, raf i... I... I'm nothing like I use to be. I can't do this job, can't go out in public.... I'm worthless. I should slit my wrists and say a prayer."

"Stop that." Raf said firmly, holding back tears, "stop it. You aren't worthless, this will all pass."

"Will it? It's hard to believe it when I know all the lines." 

"Gatito, promise me. Promise you won't do anything like that. No cuts, no jumping.... No suicide of any kind. Promise..." Raf made her look at him closely, "promise me now. If you feel like that, call. I always answer your call."

She went to look down and he pushed her head back up, "no promise me. Promise Kat."

"I promise raf. I swear on the Bible I will not commit suicide without talking to you first." She rolled her eyes.

"Not swear on it. Promise... Pinkie promise." He held up his pinkie, "just like before, can't break a pinkie promise."

She took his pinkie and pulled it, "I promise Rafael, I swear."

He pulled her tight against him, "I love you gatito."

"Love you too." He heard her crying that time, the song starting over. 

She hummed it again and he rocked her. The clock read eight pm and he sighed, laying her back and kissing her forehead.

"Get some sleep Kitty Kat." He stroked her hair back and smiled, "by the way, you're already looking better. Long hair isn't the best on you."

He swore she smiled at that as she passed out.  _ **She always loved when I commented on her hair.... The one girly thing about her. But only short hair, makes her feel as boyish as she acts sometimes.**_ Rafael kissed her forehead and went to get ready for bed, suddenly all he wanted was sleep and Kat sleeping beside him.

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

it was only a few hours later when she woke up to darkness, for the first time since she was six.... She was scared of the dark again. She cuddle up to raf and watched him sleep like it was nothing. She went to push his hair back and his lips curled up as he mumbled 'i got you gatito.... Don't worry your safe.'

Her heart broke,  _ **He's even dreaming me as a victim?**_ She rolled back over and slipped out from under the covers carefully, tiptoeing out to the living room. She turned on a lamp and grabbed the tv remote, quickly turning it on and flipping through. Mostly infommercials, news here or there being reran from earlier.... She stopped on a marathon of some 80's tv show she never heard of, deciding it could be worse. She tucked her knees in under her and sighed, this wasn't what she wanted. 

_**How could you promise raf that? You can hardly walk without dreaming about falling and dying in a freak accident or just offing yourself..... Come on girl. You gotta be stronger then this, yet you still thinking about it. Stop! Stop! You have raf now, you can't do that stuff..... Be strong. Be brave. Do it for raf.**_ she argued with herself for hours, realizing that she couldn't keep that promise very well..... She could try but with her paranoid moments of people watching her, it wouldn't last long. She started crying and sniffling, wishing away these thoughts of shame.

_**i can't do this.... I can't ... I'm sorry I can't.** _


	5. Take your time

The next morning, raf woke up and found a sleeping Kat on his couch looking like hell. He felt so guilty, looking at her. It wasn't his fault exactly but he couldn't help but shoulder the blame.... He was the one that made the first move. The first time they were intimate and the thing that caused all of this. He bent down and kissed her forehead, he brushed her hair back and smiled as she turned into his touch.  _ **God how I wish I could change all of this... Even if it was just skipping the best sex of my life. I wish I could fix this.**_

 Raf sighed as he left for work, leaving a note for Kat to find beside her on the coffee table. He ran off to work only to have cutter call him in. He went straight up to his office, closing g the door behind him as he entered and sat across from cutter.

"You asked for me?" Raf looked up.

"Yeah, you know the victim well. You were helping her leave her husband before it got physical. Right?"

"Yes." Raf suddenly started feeling uncomfortable.

"Good. Tell me how it started. How did she disclose to you and what evidence did you have for it to be true?" Cutter pulled out a note pad to take notes.

"Where do you want me to start? Disclosure or finding out about the abuse?" Raf tried to keep calm as cutter stared him down.

"Are they separate parts? Just start from the beginning."

**Flashback**

It was two a.m. when his phone rang, he answered it to hear a drunk Kat asking for help. He called a cab and got dressed, arriving at the bar he immediately walked in and got the keys from the bartender and walked the stumbling woman out the door. She practically jumped into the car as he buckled her in and went to drive. He started towards her apartment when he decided to find out why she was drunk and not just buzzed.

"Why were you drinking so much?"

"To forget." She shook her head until she must've got lightheaded and stopped, "it's quiet... To quiet."

She turned on the radio and started singing along, raf turning it off before she turned it back on and half stuck her head out the window as she sang/yelled at the top of her lungs.

> _You can go your own way_  
>  _Go your own way_  
>  _You can call it_  
>  _Another lonely day_  
>  _You can go your own way_  
>  _Go your own way_  
>  _You can call it_  
>  _Another lonely day_

Raf tugged her head back in and braced his arm against her chest to stop her from doing it again. She squirmed and just started crying. He was taken aback by this sudden change.  _ **She is never like this when she's drunk.**_

"What's wrong Kat?" 

"Nothing."

She pushed his hand down trying to get out but only succeeded in bringing the edge of her shirt up. His eyes went wide as he stared at the deep black and yellow bruise covering her side. He stopped the car and pulled the shirt back down before looking at her crying again.

"Did Neil... Did he do that?" 

She nodded and pushed his hand away successfully this time, "please don't take me home.... Neil will kill me if I come home drunk."

 _ **I'll kill him if I see him in the next week.**_ Raf nodded and made a quick right turn, heading to his apartment instead. It wasn't like they weren't use to staying over night together, they were roommates for  almost ten years. The whole way back Kat sang and was trying to dance while sitting down. His thoughts racing, the main focus was that bruise.  _ **How the hell did he do that? It looks bad. Why didn't she tell me sooner? Was it fresh? Did it just happen? Is that why she was drunk? She wanted to forget what happened....... Why the hell didn't she say Neil was abusive? Are there more? Is this a regular thing? How am I not suppose to kill him for this?**_ His blood was boiling as he glanced to find her mumbling in her sleep.  _ **She isn't making it to work tomorrow..... Nor me.**_

They pulled up to his building, pulling her out and managing to get her to the elevator before she woke up and tried to walk. He took her arm so she didn't knock over everything. He got the door open before she fell face first on the hard wood floor. Raf pulled her up and carried her to the couch as Kat woke up.

"Where am I?" She hiccuped, "that tasted like bourbon, when was I drinking bourbon.... Do you have wine Rafi?"

"I think you had enough Kat, can I ask about your bruise?" He sat down beside her giving her a water bottle.

"Neil hit me... Hard..." She couched and drank the water for a second before pouring it on her head before raf could stop her.

"Kat what Happened?"

"He told me I was stupid and shoved me into the kitchen counter. He bitches that I was home late and accused me of having a affair. So he hit me and while I was on the floor he kicked my side.... Repeatedly. Then it just kinda went black." She teared up and sniffled, "I woke up and he was gone. I felt pain and went to drink it away." 

Raf bit his lip as she looked up, "I'm drunk ain't I?"

He nodded, "yeah kat. Your drunk."

"Oh," she frowned, "I should sleep then."

"You should." He helped her up and was walking her back to his bed when she stopped.

"Rafi?"

"Yeah?" He helped her to sit on the bed.

"Why am I wet?" She looked confused.

"You dumped water on yourself."

"Oh, so I need clothes." She went to stand and raf pushed her back down.

"I got it Kat, just relax." Raf pulled a old hoodie and turned to find she was out cold again.

Raf sighed and changed her, laying her to bed. He shook his head and went out to the living room to do some notes since he was no longer going to get sleep. He waited till Kat woke up the next morning and stumbled out to the living room and sat next to raf as he sat the note pad down. She glanced over the notes, what she said and details about the bruise on Her side. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's fine kat." He closed the note pad.

"Then say it like you mean it." She frowned as he hugged her.

"It's fine gatito... But I can't let you go home to him." 

She shook her head, "please don't raf."

"That bruise.... I can get him heft jail time on that." He looked at her frown.

"No... He could get off and I'd be screwed. We nail him before we take it to court... Before I lose my reputation and all." She sighed, "it really does hurt."

"Will you let it be checked out?" 

She gave a look of 'of course not' and he sighed before getting the first aid kit.

**Present**

"is that everything?" Cutter sighed.

"Yeah," raf stood up, "that's all of it."

"Ok... I'll have her confirm and we'll be good to go to court."

"Confirm? You aren't going to talk to Kat are you?"

"You know the drill, talk to the victim." He looked at raf, "why?"

"She won't talk about it. She barely disclosed to Benson." Raf leaned on the desk, "she won't do it."

"She'll have to. You can't testify. " He stood up, "bring her in around noon if you could."

Raf sighed and left, calling Kat to tell her the good news.

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

kat stretched awake and slowly sat up, her eyes drifting to the note on the table.

> _Gatito,_
> 
> _I left twenty for you to order in, take out menus in the top right drawer by stove. I'll be gone till 5ish call if you need anything._
> 
> _Love raf_

Kat smiled and went to change into more clothing after calling for Chinese take out. She decided to order two different meals and a side and save a little for raf Incase he decided to drop in and visit for lunch. She ran back to the room and looked through his clothes, she took his hoodie as usual and pulled on a pair of underwear from her bag. She heard his nagging voice,  _Don't answer the door in your panties! Gatito put on something or wrap up in a blanket.... That's not safe._ She rolled her eyes and tugged on a pair of sweats as the door bell rang. She gave him the money and told him to keep the change as she shut the door and kicked off the sweats again. She dropped on his couch and turned the TV over to a oldies station, smiling as she seen batman come on.

She had just made a small plate when she heard a key in the lock and the door opening.

"Raf I'm good, stop checking on me du..." Her jaw dropped as she seen Lucia step in instead, "well.... Deja Vu." Kat quickly tucked her legs in to hide the fact she was in only underwear and her son's hoodie.

She chuckled as she shut the door, "hello Kat, still running around in underwear I see."

"Uhhhh....." Her face dropped.

Lucia raised her brow, "come on Mamacita, I know a cat doesn't have your tongue."

"He didn't tell you?"

She looked closely at Kat's face before frowning, "what's wrong Tonto gatito? (Silly kitty)" 

Kat swallowed and handed her a container, "hungry? It's a long story and.... I'll need some advice."

She rolled her eyes and sat down beside her with a smile, "talk to Mami."

Every emotion was hitting her again, just like when raf pulled her from the roof. Her mind racing and flashing back to the first time she met the amazing mother of Rafael Barba and how embarrassed she felt reliving the moment again.

**Flashback**

It was the beginning of their second month living together, when Kat came rushing home from the academy with great news. She stopped for Chinese, their usual order which she knew by heart now, and a bottle of Scotch from the uppiddy place raf liked. She had just unlocked the door and immediately started talking before she could see in the apartment.

"Honey I'm home! I brought Chinese and that scotch you like.... Couldn't like the cheap stuff, had to be the one that breaks the rent."

"Kat..." He tried but she wasn't looking up yet.

"And I just need to change into something comfortable because I truly hate pants, they are...."

"Kat!" He snapped a little as she looked up slowly.

"Ev.....il." Kat gulped as she seen raf sitting red faced as a older woman sat on their couch with a smirk, "oh sorry... I didn't know you had company. I'll just be going..."

She spun around to run as raf grabbed her wrist that held the food, "it's storming outside, you aren't going anywhere."

"I'll just visit Mrs. Gonzalez down the hall. She always asks for company." She tried to pull away as raf held in a chuckle.

"Is the food for her too? I know she won't drink the scotch." He slipped the food out of her hand and reached for the scotch as he stood up, "I'll put this away for the moment."

"I should really go." She started towards the door when raf turned her around.

"Kat this is my Mami, Lucia Barba." The lady nodded, "Mami this is my roommate Katrina, she prefers Kat."

She gave a soft smile and tried to step back when raf pushed her foot forward instead. She frowned internally and let raf push her down gently in the chair he had been sitting in when she entered. He sat down three glasses of water and sat on the arm rest beside Kat as she looked very uncomfortable.

"Do you need to change honey?" She looked Lucia confused, so she laughed, "you said pants were... Evil?"

"Oh no thank you, this would only get more Awkward if I took my pants off." She wanted to slap herself as it left her mouth but raf just chuckled and nudged her.

"Chill Kat. Everything is good." He looked at his mom, "so what brought you over for this visit Mami?" 

"I wanted to see my son's new apartment that he's been bragging about... Y su novia aparentemente nueva (And his seemingly new girlfriend)." She smiled as raf shook his head and Kat looked confused.

"Ella no es mi novia madre, ella es mi compañera de cuarto de harvard. (She's not my girlfriend mother, she's my roommate at harvard.)" He went red as he was seeing where this was leading.

She smiled and nodded, switching back to English to try and draw Kat into the conversation again. She did join in and when Lucia was about to leave, she hugged raf and gave him a kiss. She stopped by Kat and shook her hand.

"Lovely meeting you Kat," she smiled, "hope you stick around Mamacita." 

Kat gave a confused look to raf who laughed, he gave Kat a hug, "she thinks we're dating."

"We aren't?" She went wide eye.

"I told her. She just doesn't believe me." He sat down next to her.

"It's because I said pants were evil, wasn't it? God I need to look in rooms before I speak.... I can't stand anymore awkward moments like that with your mom." She covered her face as he laughed.

"Don't worry, you'll get use to it... Cause I doubt you will ever stop being you no matter how awkward." 

**Present**

"oh darling," Lucia hugged Kat, "you poor girl."

"I can't believe he never told you."

"He only said you were staying with him for a while. He never said he was seeing you or what Happened." She frowned, "Chico estúpido (stupid boy)."

Kat frowned, "what?"

"Don't worry about it Kat, I know your comfortable and have food but... Would you like to join me on my day off? I have some shopping to do." She smiled as Kat nodded.

"Yeah. Sure..." Kat looked at her phone ringing and answered it after excusing herself, "Sargent Axon."

"Hey Kat, I need you to come in to the office."

"Sure raf, but why?"

"I need to introduce you to your lead prosecuter and he needs to interview you." He took a breath, "I know this is hard but, I can be there if you need. You have to talk to him though."

"Fine, when?"

"Like... Now. He said noon and it'll be that time before you make it on foot because I know you won't take a cab."

"Yeah sure... See you then."

"Love you gatito... Bye."

She smirked and sat the phone down, "raincheck? Raf needs me to talk with the ADA on my case."

"I'll drive you over, I needed to talk to my son anyways." She smiled and stood up, "but you might wants pants before you do that."

"I always wear pants at work Lucy, I promise." She chuckled and went to find clothes.

"Just not around my son," she smirked as Kat ran back bright red holding in a laugh.

* * *

Kat fixed her shirt, the long sleeved top sitting awkwardly on her shoulders and chest.  _ **That's why I never wore this top.**_ she scuffed and kept walking to raf's office with his mom beside her. Lucia stopped back from the office so Kat can walk in first to a mildly annoyed raf.

"Hey raf, how's work?" She smiled softly leaning against the door. 

"Horrible, but thank God you showed up. Hopefully he'll be less problematic if you give your account." He stood up and hugged her, "how are you doin?"

"Not to bad. I woke up, saw your note, ordered some take out and then had a visitor." She smiled at his confused looked.

"And no she wasn't wearing pants either," Lucia walked over with a smile as her son bit back a laugh, "hola Mijo. (Hello son)"

"Hi Mami," he chuckled before motioning at Carmen, "hold my calls please."

He walked them back in his office and shut the door, "so why were you visiting Mami?"

"I hadn't heard from you for a week. Not even a text, so I thought I would swing by to take you out for lunch." She sat down as Kat sat beside her on raf's couch.

"Sorry Mami, I had to pick up today to fix some of this case work overload I have." He leaned against the table across from them.

"That's not the only thing you forgot to tell me." She pointed over as raf straightened up.

"Kat, I forgot to tell you. Cutter is your lead prosecuter and I'm just co-council.... You'll be sitting down with him, do you want me there?"

"You can't be there raf, you know that." Kat frowned.

"Ok, but if you need me, I'm a text away. I don't care what Mike says, your more important then this case." Raf gave a very soft smile and kissed Kat's forehead as she stood up to hug him.

"Thanks raf." She pulled back, "I should go now... See you after?"

"Of course." He let go of her hand slowly as she walked just out of reach, his eyes watching his form slowly moving from his sight as he let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

"Mijo, why didn't you tell me?" Lucia looked at her son as he walked back from shutting the door.

"She's married. She was abused. She is practically my best friend.... Take your pick." He sat next to his Mami.

"Rafi you loved her before, do you really think I would judge if you two finally started dating? El destino tiene una manera de encontrar siempre un camino (Destiny has a way of always finding a way.)."

 "She still married... It's bad enough I'm having to tell a few people, but if it goes public. I don't know if she can handle it." He sighed, "did she mention her attempt at flying?"

Lucia frowned, "do you blame her? After all she went through and what she deals with?"

"I don't know what to do. I don't know if she can really handle any of it right now."

"Just be there for her, don't let her think she's alone." She hugged her son, "the amo Rafi."

"Te amo Mami," he walked her out, "call you soon."

"Sure you will. Take care of her Rafi."

With that she was gone and raf looked at Carmen, "did I miss anything?"

"No Mr. Barba. But I would check in with cutter, his secretary called and said things looked tense in his office." She handed him a pill bottle as he sighed.

"Thanks Carmen. Be back soon hopefully." Raf grabbed his suit jacket and walked out.

* * *

**Benson**

* * *

Fin and Amanda walked out down the block to a small brownstone. Carisi walked around back with Liv as they knocked on the door, a full team of cops behind them waiting for the go. A call just under a hour ago lead them to the small house where Neil prat was supposedly staying. They were ready to take him down, they had plenty to arrest on and cutter got them arrest warrants and dozens of search warrants to get this far. They were ready to bring him in and end this tragic case envolving their own squad Sargent.

Fin knocked and yelled police, a loud bang rang out as they kicked in the doors. Guns drawn they move through the house and find him in a small crawl space hiding, his friend trying to climb out the back window. They forced him out and fin gladly cuffed the man with a few rough movements, carisi wasn't any softer as he shoved him in the SUV. The four now standing together by the door as the sweep of the house was going on.

"Do we have anything? Any evidence or anything on this bastard." Liv looked as they shook their heads.

"So far the house is clean lieu." Carisi shifted his stance 

"Did he say anything when you two brought him out?" Amanda asked.

"He wants a lawyer. His wife is a bitch and deserves it." Fin looked at the SUV, "we calling Barba?"

"Cutter first. Let him know Neil is in custody and I'll call Barba. Well do a few line ups with the other men we already picked up." Liv motioned them to go, "get him printed and processed, clean guys... We're doin this for Kat."

Everyone nodded and parted ways, carisi and fin driving them back. Liv pulled out her phone and dialed Barba, taking a deep breath as he picked up on the third ring.

"Barba."

"Hey Barba, we just picked up Neil prat. Fin and carisi are processing him as we speak." Liv looked back towards the house.

"Thank you... Any new evidence?"

"Still looking but none so far. How's Kat?" She held back her shiver at the though of the video.

"She's handling it... She's strong, she'll be fine." 

"Tell her we're there for her. Anything she needs.... Fin already made the comment About drinks at a bar tonight if you can get her out." 

"Sounds good, I'll see if she's interested. Gotta go, cutter is pissing her off more then I thought he could." She heard a shuffle and the sound of a knock on glass.

"Tell her to come, we all just want to see she's fine."

"Will do, bye Liv."

"Bye Barba." She hung up and rolled her head a little as Amanda walked over to show her to something hidden in the attic.

Suddenly, every ounce of control she had on her temper around Neil was gone. He had the full video including sleep assault, him dragging her body onto the matress and giving the go ahead to rape her. There was also several dozen photos of Kat during the days leading up to her assault. Ones of her working, some of her out and about, a few of her drinking with the squad.... And a least fifteen photos of Kat at barba's apartment. Then another twenty or so of them kissing and what looks like sex out of view of the camera thanks to the couch. Any hope they had that he wouldn't be dragged into this and the case going to hell with the fact they had a secret relationship was gone.  _ **Cutter is going to love us for this.**_

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

After spending three hours with cutter and Rafael Interrupting twice to resolve issues, Kat was done and left the office. She wanted out and to miles away from the asshole and luckily, raf would gladly oblige her.

"I need a drink."

"Perfect, the squad wanted to meet up with you." Raf took her hand, "you in?"

"I was thinking more like a few bottles and your couch as I lose half these clothes." She smiled at him, "you can join me?"

"We should go." He sighed, "they're worried about you. They just want to know your ok."

"I am ok. Will people stop asking that." She bit back, "I get less ok Everytime they ask."

"Por favor, gatito...for me?" Raf held his breath as Kat thought a moment.

"On one condition."

"Name it."

"You take me on a real date this weekend." She stopped in the middle of the hall, watching the shocked raf process everything.

"Deal." He stretched out his hand to her, "I'll take you out Sunday night."

Kat smiled and took his hand as they left, raf sighing as Kat leaned on him. In less then thirst minutes Kat would be realistically normal for the squad and he wouldn't have to work about her doing something stupid. 

* * *

Thry sat at the bar, one drink in as the squad arrived and she could tell something was off. Raf noticed too, but Liv pulled him aside to talk as everyone focused on her.

"How you doin kat?" Carisi smiled softly as he looked at his beer.

Kat noticed no one was looking at her, they seemed kinda skiddish and she felt a small panic. She tried to focus but the odd behavior was distracting.

"I'm fine."

Still no one looked. Raf looked horrified as Kat looked to him before looking back to her hands.

* * *

_****_ **Rafael** ****

* * *

"Liv what's up?"

"They know." She said and watched for his reaction.

"Know what?"

"About you and Kat and the sex. Neil had photos." She looked closely as his face fell and he fought the urge to pull Kat out of here.

"What?" He lost his breath, "I'm going to get thrown off the case... She's going to.." his eyes went wide, "shit."

Raf turned around and almost ran to Kat, "we should go. This was a bad idea."

"They know don't they?" She said almost completely emotionless as raf bit his lip, "he had proof of the affair."

"Kat..." Amanda tried but Kat push the chair back and ran out before raf could grab her.

"Merida (fuck)," raf ran out the door and found her white face puking and crying in the alley, "it's ok. Kat..."

"No it's not! I'm done... I can't be taken seriously..."

"They won't treat you different..."

"They can't even look at me!" She fell down with her back against the wall, "I can't do this."

"Kat hey no..." He bent down and cupped her cheek as she pulled away, so he caught both cheeks and made her look, "gatito, calm down. Breath... Just breath."

She took a deep breath and sputtered it out. He waited till she was in a full whimper to pull her in and squeeze her tight to him. A few soft shushes and a few soft words whispered to her. His hands patting her and stroking her back softly as he tried to figure out how to fix this... He didn't see Liv walking up the alley nor did Kat.

"I can't do this, I can't. I am a laughing stalk, my squad won't look at me... I was better off jumping. Neil's won... I'm done. I can't do this."

"You can't give up now, we have him. We just have to show the jury.... He won't survive this, you know he won't get out of this without some kinda charge." 

"No... He won. I quit.... I fuckin quit." She was a shell of herself crying against his chest as he held her.

"You can't give up, Kat your strong then this. Your the woman that saves people like you." Liv spoke as Kat shook her head.

"I can't Liv... You can be that strong but I'm not. I lost everything... I have nothing left."

"You have us. This squad won't abandon you." Raf squeezed her closer and Liv continued, "once your SVU, your always SVU. Your part of this family Kat, we aren't letting you go."

She shook her head, "take me home... I should've never left the house." 

Kat stood shakily and raf nodded before frowning at Liv, she walked off with raf catching her quickly. They left in a cab as Liv walked back in... All of them saying the same thing. She's pink clouding.


	6. Court room blues

Cutter called and confirmed her fear, the trial was on and she was first to the stand. The quicker she took the stand the quicker they could end this mayhem... The quicker she can salvage her life if it was possible. Kat paced the floor, the conference room was empty except for her. Outside raf, cutter, Liv, and the whole squad were going over evidence before prepping the line ups. All four men were arrested and Neil was found, now it was up to Kat to try and identify them with what little memory she still had. 

"She remembers the video not the accident." Raf sighed, "the ID's are useless in court. The video does everything for her."

"We need a strong case, a victim ID carries wait with juries." Cutter looked to Benson, "especially with the new evidence."

Raf squeezed his hand tightly as he made a fist,  _ **Cutter isn't letting that go... I disclosed before, he already knew... So what if a jury does. We've delt with worse.**_

"Move on would you?" Benson sighed, "get the line ups ready now."

Carisi, rollins, and fin set up the line ups as cutter sat down. 

"I'm just saying, that's in the case now. Even the past abuse records and photos you have isn't enough to really overshadow that. The jury is going to focus on you and her having relations while she was married to another man." Cutter looked at raf.

"Let it go. Let's do these line ups and be done for the day." Liv started towards the conference room.

"Why not make her ID her husband too." Raf snarked and Liv turned around.

"Barba now." 

He followed her into the room and shut the door, Kat rolling her eyes before sitting down, "if your hear to continue cutters rant, I'm leaving."

"I had the same 'chat'. Don't need it again." Raf sat down next to her.

"You knew this would happen. You know how to fix it. Get out ahead of it and use it to your advantage." Liv looked to Kat, "are you up for the ID's?"

"Aren't they useless since you have video of them all?" Kat said sarcastically as raf smiled.

"How didn't I see this before?" She pointed between the two of them, "it was so simple I just ignored it."

They both smiled before Kat's face dropped and she looked at raf, "are you going to be there? I mean In the room."

He looked up to Liv, "no idea, cutter might throw me out at this rate."

 They all walked out for the line up, cutter making sure raf stands back and doesn't interfere. All the line ups go perfect, Kat id'd all four men and they were jumping for deals.... All turning on Neil. Cutter entertained the deals and took them, wanting the case air tight in court.

They went home as usual since the attack, Kat tugging on one of raf's shirts and laying down. Raf pulled her head onto his lap, letting her snooze as he stroked her hair. He let out a long breath and tried to think of anything not case related. 

* * *

**kat**

* * *

A few days later, the case went to court. Opening arguments went quick, Kat was first to be called to the stand after cutter made her sit through several practice runs... It was time to do it for real when Kat felt like backing out. She paced the hallway begging for something to happen and Neil change his mind.  _ **If he ever loved me at any point in our lives, he would plead guilty and spare me.**_

"Katrina Axon, your up." A court officer said and she stepped back against the wall.

 _ **No wonder so many victims run away from court... I kinda want to too. I don't have any of the squad, they're all testify after me... Raf is strictly business.... I can't do this.**_ The officer said it again and she shook her head. He relayed the message to the judge, as she stood waiting to be held in contempt for refusing court. The door opened and out walked raf and cutter.

"What are you doing?" Cutter started as raf held up his hand to stop him, "Kat what's wrong?"

"I can't go in there." 

"You have to," cutter spoke and raf glared at him, "what he means is without you the case falls apart."

"Let it. I can't go in there." She shook her head.

Raf turned to cutter and whispered something, he nodded and went back in while raf turned towards her, "Kat, you know I got you. Por favor.... You have to do this for you. Not for me, the squad, cutter, neil.... No one but you."

"I can't. I can't face him and go on the stand to be slut shamed." Kat tugged the sleeves of her dress down clearly nervous.

"Gatito, por favor. Te amo, y sé que te arrepentirás de este momento si lo dejas ir.(I love you, and I know you'll regret this moment if you let it go.)." He opened his arms as she tucked in to let him hug her, "please?"

"I love you too raf."

He kissed her forehead and pulled back, "can you do this?"

She nodded as he walked in. She took a deep breath and walked in as they called her again. Kat walked in, looking straight ahead and never once towards her husband to the opposite side of her love. She gave a silent blessing for letting raf pick her outfit, the professional looking red dress hid her bruises and gave just a little confidence. It rested at her knee, 3/4 sleeves so she could feel a little safer during cross.... Raf would've let her up there in one of his suit jackets if it was the only way to make her feel safe. 

"Sargent Axon, are you a member of the Manhattan special victim unit?" Cutter stood and approached to start questioning.

"Yes."

Cutter started in on asking questions of the accident, he pushed the envelope at times and Kat had to bite her tongue and look at raf to stop from snapping back. It was almost over when cutter hit the questions that he was supposed to drop... To her and Rafael's surprise.

"Sargent, were you having a affair?"

Kat held her tongue, and took a deep breath as he asked again, "Sargent Axon, were you having a affair?"

"Yes." Kat took a deep breath.

"Why?" 

"Because my husband was abusive and while I was seeking help to get out... I reconnected with a old friend and it turned physical." She looked down.

"How long?"

"I had been seeking his help for a couple months, it turned physical in just weeks before the rape." She was trying to hold it in.

"Did your husband know of your affair?"

"Not to my knowledge... But the detectives did find photos afterwards in his possession." 

"You were planning on divorcing your husband?" Cutter moved back to his seat.

"Yes. The abuse was to much."

"That is all." Cutter sat down as she watched raf give him a warning glare.

The defense stood, "Sargent, who were you having a affair with?"

Kat closed her eyes as the judge looked over. The fairly small woman smirked and approached with the tv remote in hand to show the pictures. Kat felt Neil's eyes on her and tried to will them off her... Unsuccessfully.

"Sargent Axon, you don't have to answer that. I have the photos right here." She clicked the button and Kat dropped her head, "Sargent Axon, were you having a affair with ADA Rafael Barba?"

"Yes." Kat whispered, still unable to open her eyes.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that loud enough for the jury and stenographer?" 

Kat glared at the woman,  _ **Why couldn't Neil pick Calhoun or Buchanan? I can deal with them. I deal with them enough...why did he pick Nikki Staines?**_ her lips slowly parted as her eyes opened and she sighed.

"Yes."

"How long have this affair been going on?" She stopped in front of the stand and smirked.

"Only a week or two."

"And how long have you been having a non-sexual affair?" 

Raf looked at cutter who stood, "objection. Their is no legal state of affair in non-sexual terms."

"The two had been seeing each other behind my clients back way before the actual affair."

"Yes it's called being friends... Or even colleagues. No statement can make it a affair." Cutter argued.

"I have to rule with the prosecution, reword." Judge flowers passed down the judgement and motioned Mrs. Staines to continue.

"Sargent, how long had you been staying over nights with mr. Barba?"

"About two months ago." Kat was holding back the urge to run... Much like Rafael.

"How did that start?"

"I called him one night to pick me up from a bar when I was drunk. He seen the bruise down my side and I explained what happened and begged him not to take me back to Neil." Kat straightened.

"And a little over a month later it became sexual?" Kat didn't have a chance to answer as she clicked through the pictures on screen, "these are only the PG 13 photos that were found on my client when he was arrested."

A few photos clicked through, raf and Kat kissing Infront of his window... The two stripping off each other's clothes, a photo of the two laying half naked on the couch (Kat blocked from view), and several more. She left up a photo of raf holding kat as she sat on the kitchen counter in only a bra and sweats, her bruised side on display as they kissed. His shirt was unbuttoned and tie loosely hanging around his shoulders. 

"Nothing further your honor." Staines walked back to her seat as Neil sat smiling up at the stand.

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

Raf seen a way to flip this, but cutter wouldn't go for it. So he did it without permission. Only gaining the courage when he seen Neil looking smug.

"Redirect your honor."

Cutter turned to him as he stood and the judge answered preceed. Raf slowly approached the stand only glancing to the photo on the screen to his left, not turning it off. Neil's eye were glued to raf, only moving off him when Kat spoke.

"Sargent, we were having a affair correct?"

"Yes." Kat looked as curious as everyone else in the room.

"And you started spending the night two months before the rape?"

"Yes."

"But that wasn't a unusual thing? We had done that before the night you described for the defense."

"Correct."

"Explain please." Raf leaned on the witness box, hopping Kat plays along like he needs.

"We were roommates and friends for several years before the affair."

"How long?"

"Around twenty-four years. We meet in college and continued to be roommates after college and even movrd back to New York. We stayed roommates until I was engaged." Kat was wavering.

"Was any of it sexual? Did we date or anything?"

"No. It was never sexual or described as dating until recently." 

"We had lost touch shortly after your wedding?" He looked to the photo on the screen again.

"Yes, for about ten years until I joined SVU."

"At anytime after we reconnected was it sexual in anyway until a few weeks ago?"

"No. Never sexual." She let out a shakey breath and looked at the photo.

"In the photo on the screen, you have a bruise covering most your side. Was that the injury that started this 'affair' as the defense calls it."

"Objection." Staines spoke only for the judge to wave it off and motion Rafael to continue.

"Yes. My side was bruised in a physical fight with the defendant."

"Were you scared of him?" Raf locked eyes with Kat as the defense tried to object only to be overruled again.

"Yes.

"Did you want to leave him?"

"Yes "

"But you wouldn't?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I was afraid he would hurt me more... Or you.... Or destroy my career as payback."

"Are still scared of him?"

"Objection!" The defense pushed as the judge overruled her again.

"Are you still scared of your husband, the defendant Neil Prat?"

Her eyes let a tear fall, squeezing tightly to hold herself together. If she opened her eyes, she would see Neil. Neil was obviously staring at her and she couldn't take seeing him.

"Yes." Kat started crying.

Raf walked back, "that's all your honor."

"Your free to go Sargent Axon." The judged dismissed her and she stepped down and practically ran out the door. 

Raf waited till lunch was called only a few minutes later to find Kat, she was in a back hallway crying softly. She tugged the sleeves and wiped her face as he walked over.

"I know you needed to so we didn't lose the jury..... But that felt as good as the defense questions." She sniffled.

"You won't need to go back up though. We put up the squad, the ER doctor, each of the four that pleaded to felony charges.... A little of the tape. Neil will be gone for life." Raf gently rested his hands on her shoulders, "you don't have to be here for the rest. You went up there And told the truth, the jury believed you... They're on your side."

"I know....who's first?" 

"The ER doctor." Raf made her look up at him, "she runs down your injuries and we can call Liv and admit the tape."

"I'm not sure about this." Kat frowned, "Rafael, it doesn't feel right."

"Gatito, maybe you should stay out of court." 

"Not what I meant."

"I know," he kissed her quickly, "but trial has begun and you already testified. You aren't required to be present.... It might be better if you aren't."

"No I will be... I have to." She shrugged his hands off, "I love you now go work."

She walked away toward the exit away from people. He took a deep breath and went back to find cutter. When court reconvened, Kat was in the second row. The doctor gave a detailed account of her injuries. No cross was given, so oliva took the stand and was asked a few questions before court went to break for the day. Kat left without a word, rushing out as Liv told raf it was probably nothing. But he couldn't help but feel guilty, she was obviously angry.

**Flashback**

It is three am.....A. M. Who the hell knocks at three am? Raf thought as he walked to the door half asleep, to find Kat sitting against the wall. Her face was blotchy from crying and her arm held her bruised side as she looked up pathetically and sniffled.

"Sorry raf, I didn't know where else to go." Kat sighed with audible wetness, "I didn't kno..."

Her tears streaming down her face as  hequickly hugged her. She flinched and he felt a wetness on her shirt. She looked down crying again as he pulled her in and picked her up. He kicked the door shut and walked her to the bathroom, pulling her clothes off slowly to check her side. It was a bright yellow and black mix...a little blood but it felt like the rib moved.

"We should get you to the hospital."

"No. They'll have to report and I'm not ready for that." She looked at him, "please raf... Just let me spend the night."

He nodded, "ok, but we have to get you out of there soon. And we need to get that looked at."

She nodded, "hey raf?"

He looked up as he wet a wash cloth, "yeah."

"Thanks... For everything." She wiped her face as he kneeled down and started cleaning her side to make sure it wouldn't get infected before wrapping her waist.

"De nada (welcome)." He kissed her stomach as he fixed the wrappings to her side gently, "you know I love you Kat."

"I know... I love you too." His head tipped up, their lips inches apart... Then she did it, she kissed him.

Time stopped, air went thick... The touching skin felt electric as she pulled him closer and extended the kiss. Raf didn't fight it, the feeling it gave him was unbelievable. They only pulled apart once she winced, his hand pressing a bad spot before he pulled it away.

"I'm sorry." He quickly gave.

"Don't be, it was worth the pain." She smirked and pushed for another kiss and slowly slid towards his lap.

"We shouldn't...." She stopped his words.

"Stop being negative raf, remember... It's gatito. Your kitty kat." She stroked his cheek before he lifted her up and carried her out of the room.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not having sex with you while your bleeding in my bathroom. You deserve better." He laid her down on the bed.

"Wish Robby lains thought the same." She kissed his neck as he gave a confused look.

"Who's Robby lains?"

"The guy I lost my virginity to... A compact cars back seat and stolen beer that tasted like piss. He wasn't even that good, so I don't know why I liked him." Kat kissed him feverishly.

"I wish we could've met back then, I would've definitely made it unforgettable in a good way." He chuckled and tugged off her pants.

He stripped down and laid down beside her, the blankets tight around them as he massaged her tummy.... Little lazy circles. She hummed as he chuckled with his nose in her hair.

"Just sleep. Everything will get better gatito." 

**Present**

Where was that Kat, the one that was content with him. Now she just seemed angry, not that she could blame him. He did cross the line on his questions earlier and her rape video was about to be played in court tomorrow... But it stung. He frowned, leaving work finally in hopes of getting home to Kat. He wanted to fix this day.


	7. Must I be the hero?

Everyday was getting worse, everything was getting worse. Kat felt no escape was possible... But she promised. She tried to find anything that made the feeling go away but she failed at all of it. She felt disgusting, worthless....she broke in court and only made herself feel more worthless because she failed Rafael on being strong. 

She was sitting on his couch cuddled up with a pillow and blanket watching some old Western when he walked in. He dropped his things and walked over to sit beside her. She gave a pathetic smile and he kissed her forehead.

"Feeling better?"

"I was horrible."

"You tried. You did your best.... You had no way of knowing they were going to ask those questions." He pulled you into a hug.

"I fucked it up." She whimpered and he tried to calm her down.

She pushed him off and went to his bedroom, he followed her back and stopped at the door way as she sat there crying. He slowly approached and she shook her head as he leaned down to hug her.

"Why do you even like me? I'm pathetic and worthless.... I'm broken, always been broken."

"Kat your not worthless or pathetic, and the broken always seek out the broken." He held her close as she shook her head.

"Raf I'm not worth your time. You deserve better." She pushed him back, "I'm not even attractive anymore. I loss that after marriage and the beatings.... They had to drug me to get anything good from me." 

She whimpered and raf bit his lip, pulling her back in, "that's not true. I have never met a more beautiful woman.... And seen her whole underwear collection because the dryers were broken."

She held in a laugh, "fuck you."

"Maybe later."

"Sure... Like you would after that." She pushed him back, "I don't blame you."

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

"why do you think I'm lying?" 

"Because no one would want this." She spat, "no one ever did, that why I ended up with him."

"I did." 

"But you let me marry him. Obviously not that much." 

Raf bit his lip,  _ **Kat your better then this. Gatito, you know that.**_ He took a deep breath,  _ **You'll regret this later, she probably will.... But if it works.**_ He stepped forward and kissed her before she could think to deny it. He pulled her close against him and traced her spine as he slowly pulled her shirt off. She didn't fight, didn't comment... She just went along with his lead. He tossed her shirt to the side and leaned her back on his bed, one hand resting by her head.

"I love you Kat. I always have." He kissed down her jaw to her ear whispering, "I regret not stopping you and I regret every day I never tried to save you from him. And don't even get me started on how beautiful you are."

"I'm no..."

He bit down on her lobe softly before repeating, "you are beautiful... Let me prove it."

She watched him sit up and undo her pants, tugging them down and off before doing the same. Her hands already started on his shirt so he could shove it off. She ran a hand over his chest to his shoulder, lifting up as he massaged her chest. He kissed her before slipping off his under to match her naked body, rolling her on top of him.

"You are beautiful Kat, always have been." 

She dipped down to kiss him as he lined her up, "I still don't believe you. You always told me that."

"Did you ever think it was because I thought that from the moment I met you." He slipped in as she slowly pushed down.

"Raaaaaaaaffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii."

His hand came to her waist and helped her set a soft pace, "from the first moment I saw you, I knew you were something special. I knew you would be the girl I would fall for hopelessly. The one I could never win... Then I pushed you away because for the first time ever, I could've been the guy that succeeded. I just got scared, I swore I would ruin your life."

"Raaaaaf."

"You remember that night the power went out? The middle of summer and we lost all the fans and you joked about stripping down and cuddling up. Then You actually came out in your underwear and said it was to hot for clothes.... We had lived together for three weeks and that was the first time I though about this." He lifted his legs just enough to give a sharper angle as you laid against him moaning his name, "the way you looked in those cheeky batman panties and black Lacey bra. I think back to that every time I brought a girl home. how you teased me till I stripped down to my boxer briefs and let you cuddle against me on the leather couch because it was the only place to get a decent breeze. The way you giggled in your sleep and arched your back up... I almost broke then."

"Raf, why ar...ar.. are youuuuuu...t..t...t.ttt....telling me this." She forced out as she panted being shoved up with each thrust.

"Because I always thought you were beautiful. Even when I was on dates, I imagined they were you.... God I lost so many girlfriends because they thought I was envolved with you in some way, or they could tell I liked you even if you were just a friend."

She pushed up and let out a scream, feeling like she was being ripped in half as she came. She swore she tore something in that moment, he seen it on her face as he stopped.

"Do you want me to continue?" He panted trying to hold still.

"God yes." She grasped his upper arms as he started nice and slow.

"How could you ever think I didn't love you?" He pushed in and rolled over, "how could you think I didn't want you?"

"I was going to jump... I was raped... I cut myself.... Take your pick. I fucked up to much to point out one thing." She closed her eyes.

He dropped his hips and kept up a crawling pace, "and it means nothing. I still love you."

She started tearing up, "raf... No."

"Yes. Did I ever say I didn't want you?" He stilled and dropped his head to touch her, "did I?"

"No."

"Then why would you think that?"

"Because I'm broken... I'm not worth ruining your life or career."

"Then don't. Stay and let me deal with that.... The angels don't need you yet with the work you still have here." He stole a kiss and set each trust to hit on each breath she took.

* * *

**Kat**

* * *

  **Her** gasps making her eyes blur, tears falling from a new pain inside but she wasn't about to end this. It great having raf fix her like this... Ever insecurity pushing away as he did nothing but complement and remind her of how much her truly loved her. She wanted it to stop, it was to much... He was trying so hard to save her and didn't even see how she was already gone. He growled and bit his lip to hold back his orgasm.

She reached up and stroked his hair, "let it go raf."

He came with small thrusts as she let her eyes flutter her lips parting a soft whisper, "let me go..."

She wasn't sure if he heard or if he wasn't acknowledging it. But he pulled out and carried her to the tub, washing her up carefully as he seen a small amount of blood. She insisted it was nothing, just a small tear opening up more from him, but he let it go. Probably afraid to take her to the hospital and have Liv berate him for having sex. So she slowly got up and toweled off, he kissed her wet hair before tying it back for her in a tight bun. 

A soft tug lead her to the bed and she cuddled up to him as she feel asleep. Or at least made him think so, for once he was out ... She rolled over and watched him sleep.  _ **god raf... Why can't you let go? Your better off without me. I'm not going to make it much longer at this rate.... I'm never going to be back to normal.**_ she finally went to sleep and slept all the way through his alarm. She woke only once her phone rang... It was late, but raf was awake.

"Why do you have a alarm set for 10pm?"

"So we can still go out after we fell asleep from amazing sex." He smirked as he got up, "I still owe you a date."

* * *

 **K** at smiled and kissed raf as they both got dressed and raf took her out to a bar that served awesome nachos. They each had a scotch and sat reminiscing about the good old days. 

"Remember when I put itching powder in your pants?" Kat smirked.

"I remember seeing red legs and wanting to kill you... But I couldn't because walking made it worse." He chuckled.

"How was into know you would go commando that day?" 

They both broke down laughing and shaking their heads.

"Or what about when we had that snow storm and lost power, you put on a onesie and made me cuddle with you in my bed surrounded by candels... We talked about growing up forever. I honestly missed that." Raf smiled.

"You miss us curled up together talking, not that horrible night." She smirked, "or you just miss your youth."

[ ](http://i.imgur.com/HZGFo0J)

Raf gave a small glare, "I only have a few months on you."

"Never said I didn't miss my youth." She giggled and kissed his cheek. "Do you remember Christmas day the year I met your Mami for the first time. That white dress with angle wings on the back that she though was so cute... Then I fell down and she seen my underwear and she started calling me mamacita."

"Si." He chuckled, "then she asked why we weren't dating in Spanish."

"She was happy to find out we were dating.... Finally." She smiled, "she actually said finally."

"It took us long enough." He laughed, "I was thinking more of remember that girl Jamie I dated for two weeks... Did I ever tell you why she dumped me?"

"No.... Just said she was stupid."

"She said I was too 'fascinated with my roommate'... I told her it was because you were actually interesting and she left me to pay the check." 

"Always said she was a bitch." She giggled.

"You said she was 'to good to let go' if I remember correctly."

"That's before I knew the truth." She smirked, "now she's a bitch."

"She actually was," he smirked, "but you can be too so I couldn't tell the difference."

"Really Mr drunk off rum." Kat poked his chest, "like seriously... Half a bottle of Captain Morgan and you thought you were a pirate."

"I was young and having a bad day.... Drinking on a empty stomach." 

"You walked around the apartment with a limp, one eye closed, shirtless singing 'what shall we do with the drunken sailor' and tripped over the back of the couch... In the center of the couch." She smiled at his blush.

"Like you didn't think you were a pirate?" He defended.

"Oh I did... Because I held my liquor compared to you."

"How about we head home gatito." Raf shook his head, "finish the stories in bed after some more scotch?"

"Sounds great. But I have to get something before we head home.... Come along my raf." She stood and took his hand, "I promise it'll be quick."

The two left and walked back to his place a few blocks away, a block away they stopped at a small Bodega. Kat walked in and walked back to grab a small box of mints. They were walking up to pay when things went south. 

The man at the counter seemed off and before anyone could say anything, he pulled a gun on the clerk. Raf and Kat were by the edge of the counter, dropping down with the small group of people in the store. He snapped at the clerk for money and he was trying to open the drawer.  _ **Don't do it... Don't do it. One bullet could change your life forever.... Don't shoot.**_ He pointed the gun again, making a clear threat. The gun going straight toward the heart and his fingers tightening. It happened so quick, Kat didn't even feel it happening till it was to late.

She felt her chest tighten, her stomach bleeding out as the prep ran out holding his arm. Kat laid face up on the floor, her drop gun off to her left just a little as raf dropped down and applied pressure... Her was practically screaming and she couldn't hear it. She couldn't see the two civilians run after the perp, the clerk calling 911.... Or her badge being exposed on her hip. Her heart racing, blood pouring out as she got cold... She barely focused on raf above her.  _ **Why must I play hero? Why me...? Why Kat? Why always you.**_


	8. Goodbye

Whenever they say 'i saw my life flash before my eyes', Kat never took it literally. Yet here it was... A baby Kat playing with her family, her loving parents holding her tight... Then they were gone. Her grandparents raising her, The trouble in school, the worse days of her life.... Then her grandparents were gone... Then came the best time of her life, college and raf. She relived every prank, every laugh, every moment of happiness with raf until her wedding. Then it got dark. Her abuse, her constantly fighting Neil, her SVU promotion and Neil's jump to physical abuse. Then came raf again, and with it... A blissful feeling.  _ **Life well lived..... Even if it was just with Rafael. I loved it.**_

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

 Everything was blurry, his tears were making it impossible to see as he kneeled above Kat holding his jacket to the bullet wound. Her body was going cold and pale as he begged her to stay awake. He didn't hear the clerk calling 9-1-1 or anything happening around them as Kat watched him trying to stay awake.

"Yes we just had a shooting, we have a bystander shot and the gunman took off bleeding." He started rambling off the address and looked over to the scene as his eye caught something on her hip, "oh god.... She's police."

"What sir?"

"The bystander is a officer, she's has a gun and badge." He swallowed hard as he watched Rafael trying to keep Kat alive.

"Stay on the line, is anyone helping the officer? Cpr, compression on the wound.... Anything?" 

"Yes." He looked over, "a few customers were following the shooter."

"Ok just stay on the line."

Everything happened so quick after that, raf didn't hear it but everyone else did. A dozen or more sirens, lights starting to come in view of the bodega. But raf was focused on Kat, her eyes flickering.

"Come on Kat stay with me. Come on... Por favor gatito, you can't leave me now. Come on stay awake, stay awake for me please." He caressed her cheek barely holding himself together as he spoke, "Katrina, don't leave me now."

Her eyes shut and she gasped as her body shuttered, "raf... I looooove youuuu."

Her eyes shut as his went wide, "no,no,no,no.... No... Come on Kat, you can do this. fight it.... you can't die now."

"Ra..fff. I'm t.t..t.t..t....to cold. I'm soooooooorry." Blood started down her cheek from her mouth, "I love you."

"I love you gatito.... Please." He closed his eyes as he whispered, "please Katrina."

He felt hands on his shoulders, seen two EMTs by her sides working on covering the wound and moving her to the back board. They pulled him back as he watched them work.

"Sir? Sir we need names..." A officer asked as he slowly looked up from where she laid.

"Oh god," the one went wide eyed, "councilor Barba, are you ok?"

"Sargent Katrina Axon... Manhattan SVU." He whispered putting his eyes back on her.

The officer quickly pulled out a phone and made a call, the other trying to talk Rafael into moving back and giving a statement, to which he shoved the officer away. He wasn't leaving her side, she needed him. The paramedics were moving her, rafael right beside her as they loaded her into the squad. Her heart rate was almost nothing, her blood loss was massive, and her skin was pure white. They were trying to save her, keep her alive till the hospital... Then came the flat line. Both paramedics stopped after a minute of trying to revive her, raf dropping his head to her legs and crying like a little kid again. The paramedics looked away, trying to hold in tears.

Raf felt numb, he couldn't tell if he was breathing, or that the ambulance stopped. The paramedics stepped out, waving off the nurses and doctors running to get the fallen police officer.

* * *

**Oliva**

* * *

Then waiting room full of cops inside were told the news, present was the Manhattan SVU squad. One of the paramedics lead Benson back, hoping maybe she could separate the two. She agreed and walked up in tears, looking at the scene.

"Rafael."

He shook his head, "this isn't real."

"Rafael." She tried again wiping away her tears.

"It can't be." He was almost incoherent, "she can't be dead."

Liv bowed her head, taking a deep breath before stepping up and in, "Rafael, she's gone."

"No. She can't be."

"Kat died a hero. She saved that clerk and wounded the suspect.... The officers just confirmed his capture." She slowly reached down to rest a hand on his shoulder as he tucked his head in further, "you have to let go now."

"I can't... I can't.... She..." He broke into a harsh sob.

"She wouldn't want you to be like this. She wouldn't want you crying over her dead body like this." She rubbed his back before he shrugged it off.

"I can't... I can't let her go." 

"Rafael you have to... They need to take her to the morgue. You'll be notified of everything right away.... I'll even help with the funeral." She wiped away tears and put her hand back on his shoulder, "do it for Kat... You know how she would've wanted this to go."

He slowly lifted his head, "her last words were I love you... She said she loved me for her last words."

"Because she did. We all know she did." Liv slowly got him to look up to her, "Come on Rafael, let the do their job and I'll get you home."

He swallowed and looked back to where his hand still held Kat's, slowly watching as he stood and strained to keep holding it. Once her fingers fell from his, Liv watched him slowly step down. She put a arm around him and walked him around the outside of the hospital, to the car and slowly got him to sit down. She stood outside a moment and breathed in the cold air, before making two quick calls. She drove Rafael to his apartment and watched him walk in knowing his mom was waiting upstairs to calm him. 

* * *

**Rafael**

* * *

Rafael walked in and was met with his mom. He broke down again and she drew him in quickly, holding him close as he looked worse then ever before. Liv broke the news to her and she cried on her way over, but she knew she needed to be the strong one for her son. And Rafael couldn't have tried if he wanted to.... He couldn't do anything anymore. 

He cried for hours, until his body couldn't anymore. At one point he went to use the restroom and passed by his bedroom where things sat... He lost his temper and threw a picture against the wall as his mom went to check on him. He sat in the bathroom crying and bandaging his cut. His mom cleaned up the broken glass, sitting the picture on his dresser for later. It was of her in her wedding dress kissing raf's cheek before he walked her down the isle to give her away... And be the man of honor. Raf was her whole wedding party while Neil had three or so guys as his best man, Lucia still remembered that day we'll. How excited they both were, and how her son played his part well... Never showing a soul how sad he truelly was.

A little later the M.E. called and released the body, and Lucia and Liv helped raf through planning the funeral. Every small detail, refusing to waver from what he gave. He knew what Kat liked, whether it worked for anyone else wasn't his concern. Black roses with red and white carnations, the dress he picked being that angel winged dress she loved... No makeup because she hated makeup. Raf felt his heart almost stop Everytime he heard her name. _ **She can't be dead.. she can't.**_

* * *

a few days later, after the funeral had concluded the day before, the trial was back on schedule. Cutter called everyone to svu to go over how the trial will go now. Carisi, Rollins, fin, Liv, and cutter sat at the table looking over the evidence yet to be shown at trial. The box of photos and I jury notes Barba took was front and center. Barba sat back listening to the new plan, his body void of any emotion at the moment. 

"So if we enter this evidence, the case should be easy." Carisi asked.

"The jury had sympathy after Rafaels questioning before. Enter this and the jury won't hesitate to convict." Cutter smiled, "kat gets Justice."

"What justice? She's dead." Raf muttered as everyone took a breath, some daring to look over.

"Barba..." Liv tried but was cut off.

"Don't. She didn't want this case in court." He looked up at her, "she didn't want her name out there as a rape victim and we pushed her into it."

[ ](http://i.imgur.com/93JwUM8)

"It was the right thing to do." Sonny said softly.

"It wasn't our choice. She died because we made this a case." His voice dropped low, "I killed her."

"We were trying to help ka..." Cutter was cut off.

"Don't even say her name. You asked every question you weren't supposed to and had her in tears and scared to death after forcing her into trial. You made her go through seven different preps all ending with her crying and did nothing but argue with her during the initial meeting." Raf spat, "the only reason she went into that court room was because I was your council. She hated you."

Cutter bit his lip and turned away, raf unforgiving with the truth. Liv couldn't find words to make this stop, only swallowing hard when fin tried to speak.

"We all lost her."

"You didn't even know her! She was never herself around any of you." Raf was beyond the point of reason, his grief hitting a new level as he hit the table, "you didn't even know she had a pet... And she keeps that photo on her desk."

Liv tried to say something before he stood up kicking his chair back, listening to it slam against  the floor and walking away barely grabbing his jacket on the way out. Everyone looked down and tried to reason it. No one had the guts to tell him he was right. That it wasn't his fault. That Kat truelly loved him and they all should've seen it sooner.... Should've tried to learn more about her... But they never did.

* * *

Court continued as planned, rafael did make it to the courtroom and kept his emotions in check. Everyone noticed how focus he was, everyone tried to be supportive. When everything was coming to a close, the video being played again only at small parts...the squad seen him flinch, seen the scowl he wore Everytime he looked at Neil.... Seen him on the edge. 

The jury was only out a hour before they gave the guilty verdict. Neil was life without parole, smirking at barba as he was lead out in cuffs. Raf left the courtroom among the crowd and slipped into a back hallway with few people. He took a few deep breaths and looked down at his phone in hands. His thoughts over powering basic functions... He couldn't do anything but feel guilty.

Liv came in from down the hall, walking to him as he barely looked up. 

"We won Barba."

"I heard." He lit up the screen to show no notifications.

She watched as he looked up, holding back his emotions again, "I keep feeling like I'm going to look at my phone and see a text from her. She always texted me during court to mess with me."

"We all miss her." Liv sat beside him.

"I know... I'm sorry for the other day." He looked over, "Kat always said I was a shitty griever."

Liv gave a small smile, "yeah... I think even cutter took it well." 

He scuffed in amusement, "I don't really feel bad for saying it... Kat did hate him and I kinda resent him after the suspension."

"He ain't you, that's for sure." Liv looked down the hall to make sure it was empty, "the case was Shakey if it weren't for you questioning Kat. She trusted you... She really did love you."

"I know..." He sighed, "that's why I can't keep this up."

Liv looked over, "what does that mean?"

"I need a break... Some me time. Maybe a couple weeks to find out how to really grieve because right now I know I'm not but.... But I can't." He looked Liv in the eye, "maybe some time away for the city will do me good."

"Will you come back?"

"I don't know yet." He dropped his head to look at his phone.

"We'll always be here if you need us. Anytime Barba.... Anytime you need to talk." She stood up with him slowly.

"I know... Thank you." He gave her a small hug before starting towards the exit.

"Wait!" Liv called as he turned around to see her give a small salute like Kat always teased her with, "see you soon Rafael."

He gave a soft smile and nodded, "as I with you Liv."

He turned and walked out, his hands slowly tracing a plack that was hung in the court hallways for Kat. He kissed his fingers and gently tapped them to it, his heart skipping a beat.

"Goodbye Kat... I hope you find peace."

He slowly walked out of the courthouse, his head slowly raising up.  _ **What can I do now? How do I live without you Kat...**_


End file.
